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He said, "We're going to be doing this play for several weeks and the law of averages dictates that at some point, some egregious mistake will be made. Someone will miss a cue, someone will forget a line, something will happen. When this occurs, do not panic. I am on stage for almost the entire play and I have decades of acting experience. Every disaster that can possibly happen has happened to me and I can handle anything... |
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"So when something goes wrong," he continued, "do not attempt to ad-lib. Just leave it to me. Whatever it is, I will find a way to cover the error and continue on." The members of the novice cast were reassured by this and felt confident they were in good hands. |
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Things went well until opening night. In the middle of Act Two, the prop man accidentally rang a telephone in the wrong scene. There was no phone call in that scene and all the actors on stage froze, wondering what to do. Fortunately, Mr. Welles announced, "I'll get it," and they all relaxed, confident Orson would handle it. They knew he would answer the phone, ad-lib some sort of conversation and then work his way back to the text of the play. |
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Welles picked up the phone, said hello and pretended to listen for a second. Then he turned to the actress next to him, held out the receiver and said, "It's for you." |
Because he needed the
money, Orson
The Actor's Vocabulary
ETERNITY: The time that passes between a
dropped cue and the next line.
PROP: A hand-carried object small enough to
be lost by an actor
exactly 30 seconds before it is needed on stage.
DIRECTOR: An individual who suffers from the
delusion that he/she is
responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic in
the local review.
BLOCKING: The art of moving actors on the
stage in such a manner so
as to have them not collide with the walls, furniture, or each other,
nor descend precipitously into the orchestra pit . Similar to playing
chess, with the exception that, here, the pawns want to argue with you.
BLOCKING REHEARSAL: A rehearsal taking place
early in the production
schedule where actors frantically write down movements which will be
nowhere in evidence by opening night.
QUALITY THEATRE: Any show with which one was
directly involved.
TURKEY: Any show with which one was NOT
directly involved.
DRESS REHEARSAL: The final rehearsal during
which actors forget
everything learned in the two previous weeks as they attempt to
navigate the 49 new objects and set pieces that the set designer/director
has added to the set at just prior to the DRESS REHEARSAL.
TECH WEEK: The last week of rehearsal when
everything that was
supposed to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last
minute. This week reaches its grand climax on DRESS REHEARSAL NIGHT
when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director has a
nervous breakdown. See also Hell Week
SET: An obstacle course which, throughout
the rehearsal period,defies the laws of physics by growing smaller week by week while
continuing to occupy the same amount of space.
MONOLOGUE: That shining moment when all eyes
are focused on a single
actor who is desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can
save him.
DARK NIGHT: The night before opening when no
rehearsal is scheduled
so the actors and crew can go home and get some well-deserved rest,
and instead spend the night staring sleeplessly at the ceiling
because they're sure they needed one more rehearsal.
BIT PART: An opportunity for the actor with
the smallest role to
count everybody else's lines and mention repeatedly that he or she
has the smallest part in the show.
GREEN ROOM: Room shared by nervous actors
waiting to go on stage and
the precocious children whose actor parents couldn't get a
baby-sitter that night, a situation which can result in justifiable
homicide.
DARK SPOT: An area of the stage which the
lighting designer has
inexplicably forgotten to light, and which has a magnetic attraction
for the first-time actor. A dark spot is never evident before
opening night.
HANDS: Appendages at the end of the arms used
for manipulating one's
environment, except on a stage, where they grow six times their normal
size and either dangle uselessly, fidget nervously, or try to hide in your
pockets.
LIGHTING DIRECTOR: Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong.
LIGHTING DESIGNER: Individual who whines, bitches, throws fits, and says "This is the last show I'm doing here! I swear to God!" (rinse, repeat)....
ACTOR [as defined by a set designer]: That person who stands between the audience and the set designer's art, blocking the view. Also the origin of the word 'blocking.'.
STAGE RIGHT/STAGE LEFT: Two simple directions actors pretend not to understand in order to drive directors crazy. (e.g. "...No, no, your OTHER stage right!!!!")
MAKE-UP KIT: (1) [among experienced Theater actors]: a battered tackle box loaded with at least 10 shades of greasepaint in various stages of desiccation, tubes of lipstick and blush, assorted pencils, bobby pins, braids of crepe hair, liquid latex, old programs, jewelry, break-a-leg greeting cards from past shows, brushes and a handful of half-melted cough drops; (2) [for first-time male actors]: a helpless look and anything they can borrow.
FOREBRAIN: The part of an actors brain which contains lines, blocking and characterization; activated by hot lights.
HINDBRAIN: The part of an actors brain that keeps up a running subtext in the background while the forebrain is trying to act; the hindbrain supplies a constant stream of unwanted information, such as who is sitting in the second row tonight, a notation to seriously maim the crew member who thought it would be funny to put real Tabasco sauce in the fake Bloody Marys, or the fact that you need to do laundry on Sunday.
CREW: Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless panic.
MESSAGE PLAY: Any play which its director describes as "worthwhile," "a challenge to actors and audience alike," or "designed to make the audience think." Critics will be impressed both by the daring material and the roomy accommodations, since they're likely to have the house all to themselves.
BEDROOM FARCE: Any play which requires various states of undress on stage and whose set sports a lot of doors. The lukewarm reviews, all of which feature the phrase "typical community Theater fare" in the opening paragraph, are followed paradoxically by a frantic attempt to schedule more performances to accommodate the overflow crowds.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Individual willing to undertake special projects that nobody else would take on a bet, such as working one-on-one with the brain-dead actor whom the rest of the cast and crew (including the director) has threatened to take out a contract on.
SET PIECE: Any large piece of furniture which actors will resolutely use as a safety shield between themselves and the audience, in an apparent attempt to both anchor themselves to the floor, thereby avoiding floating off into space, and to keep the audience from seeing that they actually have legs.
And finally, remember this: "It's only theater until it offends someone...then it's ART!"
THE TECHIE GOSPEL
And the TD looked upon the
actors and saw that although they walked in light, they did walk upon a
bare stage, and had no place to be, and the TD was moved to pity. And
the TD said "Let there be a set!" and the TECHIES scrambled and
worked all night and there was a set, with platforms, wagons, stairs,
trap doors, and furniture of various types and sizes, each according to
the need. And the actors walked within the set, and they did have a
place to be. And it was good. And the curtain rose and fell upon the
second night. And the TD saw the actors, that although they did have a place to be, they did look like fools, for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and struck each other with nothing. And in his heart, the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said "Let there be props!" and the TECHIES worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were props. And they were good. And the curtain rose and fell upon the third night.
And the costumer looked upon the actors and saw that they did go forth in blue jeans and the costumer knew that this would not do. And the costumer said "Let there be costumes!" and the TECHIES did cut and sew and shape, and there were costumes, each sized to the actor, according to the play, and keeping in with the role. And no more did the actors go forth in blue jeans, and the costumer saw the costumes, that they were good, and the curtain rose and fell upon the fourth night.
And lo, all these works were completed in one night, where originally took five days, showing that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place, he would have finished sooner.
I. Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose or break them.
II. When told the placement of props by the director, write not these things in ink upon thy script for as surely as the wind blows, so shall he change his mind.
III. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and easily confused.
IV. Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are uninitiated, and will nor perceive thy meaning.
V. Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike firmly with thy strength.
VI. Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.
VII. Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall party.
VIII. Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If it appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.
IX. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and be summarily executed or worse.
X. Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like you, and are blind in the dark.
XI. Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.
XII. Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.
XIII. Take pity on the actors, for in their roles. they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.
XIV. Listen carefully to the instructions of the director as to how he wants things done--then do it the right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.
XV. And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be like unto an airport.
Act 3:
Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they that watch, and to make the stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut walk and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that they would show.
Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to aid them Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together.
My friends: Be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading as TECHIES. Remember always the signs by which thou shalt recognize a true TECHIE: they often move softly during scene changes. not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage and are aware of what is happening; they can speak with the knowledge of tools; they respect another's job and aid where they can; they know WHEN to just stand and watch.
Light bulb jokes:
Q. How many stagehands does it
take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, that's an electrician's job.
Q. How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three, One to actually do it, and two more to discuss how the other would
have done it better.
Q. Ok then, how many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None of your business.
Q. How many volunteer crew members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One to collect every clip light in existence backstage, one to cut a 3x3
sheet of gel into unusable pieces, one to search for a cabinet key, one to
wander through the dressing rooms asking the actors if they need anything.
Q. How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 15. You gotta problem with that?
Q. How many apprentices does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 2. One to sweep up the glass and the other to pull out the base.
Q. How many lighting designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None...its a carefully orchestrated blackout.
Q. How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. I DON'T CARE--JUST DO IT NOW!
Q. How many Producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. What's wrong with the old one?
Q. How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. What's its motivation?
Q. How many Lighting Designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. After a long conference, it was decided to use several fresnels, and
ellipsodal, warm tones for a cozy atmosphere and a strobe to effect
lightning striking in the background, for that stormy effect. Also several
gobos will be used for tree patterns on the cyc. What was the question
again?
Q. How many IA guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, once he puts down the doughnut and coffee.
Q. How many executive directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. What do they need light back there for?
Q. How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, the actor holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
Q. How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, it's a lamp.
Q. Ok then, how many electricians does it take to change a lamp?
A. None, it worked during rehearsal!
Q. What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling?
A. A dancer changing a lightbulb!
Q. How many IA guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Six. One to change it, one to find it, one to add it to the bill, two to
hold the ladder and one to go for doughnuts.
You Know You've Worked in
Community Theatre if...
...your living room sofa spends more time on stage than you do.
...you have your own secret family recipe for stage
blood.
...you've ever appeared on stage wearing your own clothes.
....you've ever driven around the back of stores
looking for discards that can be used for set pieces.
...you can find a prop in the prop room that hasn't seen the light
of day in ten years, but you don't know where your own vacuum cleaner
is.
...you have a Frequent Shopper Card at the Salvation
Army.
....You fully understand that the name Stephen Sondheim is synonymous with
3 months of rehearsals.
...you start buying your work clothes at the Goodwill
so that you can
buy your costumes at the mall.
...you've ever taken time off your job to work on the show.
...you've worked your vacation time to coincide with
tech week.
...you've ever cleaned a tuxedo with a magic marker.
...your family is more than 50% of the staff.
...you've ever appeared on stage in an outfit held together with hot
glue.
...you've ever appeared in a show where tech week is
devoted to getting the running time under four and a half hours.
...you've ever appeared on stage in an English drawing room murder
mystery where half the cast spoke with southern accents.
...you've ever appeared in a show where the cast
out-numbered the audience by 2 to 1.
...you've ever gotten a part because you were the only one who showed up
for auditions.
...you've ever gotten a part because you were the
only male who showed up for auditions.
...the audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because they
saw you taking out the trash before the show.
...you've ever had to menace and/or threaten someone
with a gun held together with hot glue and electrical tape.
...you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing an
evening gown and heels.
...you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between
scenes wearing an evening gown and heels -- and you're a guy.
...you've ever played the father of someone your father's age.
...you've ever appeared in a show where an actor
leaned out through a window without opening it first.
...You actually KNOW the difference between good Shakespeare and BAD
Shakespeare, and have spent time in a bar trying to explain the
difference to people who will listen.
...you've ever had to play a drunk scene opposite
someone who was really drunk.
...you've ever heard a director say "Try not to bump into the
furniture," and mean it.
...the lead vocalist complains that the music keeps
changing tempos, but the music is on a cd.
...you've appeared in a show featuring a flushing toilet sound effect.
...the set designer has ever told you not to
walk on the left half of the stage because the floor paint is still
wet --five minutes
before curtain.
...you've ever been told that the reason your director has no
eyebrows is because he/she handled the special effects for the last
show.
...you've ever said, "Don't worry -- we'll just use
duct tape, and if that doesn't work, we can hot glue it."
